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WHAT IS
EXPECTED
- If the pastor is young, he lacks
experience; if his hair is gray, he's too old for the
young people.
- If he has five or six children,
he has too many; if he has none, he's setting a bad
example.
- If he preaches from notes, he
has canned sermons and is dry; if his messages are
extemporaneous, he isn't deep enough.
- If he caters to the poor in the
church, he's playing to the grandstand; if he pays
attention to the wealthy, he's trying to be an
aristocrat.
- If he uses too many
illustrations, he's neglecting the Bible; if he
doesn't include stories, he isn't clear.
- If he condemns wrong, he's
cranky; if he doesn't preach against sin, the claim
he's a compromiser.
- If he preaches the truth, he's
too offensive; if he doesn't present the "whole
counsel of God," he's a hypocrite.
- If he fails to please everybody,
he's hurting the church and should leave; if he does
make them all happy, he has no convictions.
- If he drives an old car, he
shames his congregation; if he buys a new one, he's
setting his affection on earthly things.
- If he preaches all the time, the
congregation gets tired of hearing just one man; if he
invites guest ministers, he's shirking his
responsibility.
- If he receives a large salary,
he's mercenary; if he gets a small one, they say it
proves he isn't worth much anyway.
A Few Words
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their
fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give
him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the
money!"
THE BIGGEST
LIE
A Minister was walking down the street when he came
upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between
10 and 12 years of age.
The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the
boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What
are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old
neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us
can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one
of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the
dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys
shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he
exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon
against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a
sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age,
I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as
the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through
to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said,
"All right, give him the dog."
How many
Baptists does it to change a lightbulb?
BAPTISTS CHANGE
YEAH RIGHT
You cannot stay in Bed
One Sunday morning a mother was getting ready for
church when she noticed her son wasn't up yet. She
finally went in to wake him up. "Come on, get
up...you'll miss church!" she said. "No, I don't want to
go!" came the reply from her son as he buried his head
under the pillow. "Yes, you have to get up for church,
"the mother coaxed. "No, I am not going to church. And
I'll give you two reasons. Number 1 Nobody likes me and
Number 2 I don't like them." The mother put her hands on
her hips and replied indignantly, "Well you ARE going to
church and I'll give you two reasons why you are going:
Number 1 You are 45 years old, and number 2 You are the
pastor!"
THE THREE MEN AND THE MONEY
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be
buried with his money. He called his preacher, his
doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000
cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this
in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with
me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the preacher suddenly broke
into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the
envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of
the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the
doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we
needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at
the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he
exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope
in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full
$30,000."
It's all about
Perspective
Three people
were visiting and viewing the Grand Canyon -- an artist,
a pastor and a cowboy. As they stood on the edge of that
massive abyss, each one responded with a cry of
exclamation. The artist said, "Ah, what a beautiful
scene to paint!" The minister cried, "What a wonderful
example of the handiwork of God!" The cowboy mused,
"What a terrible place to lose a cow!"
THE PREACHER AND THE DEAD DONKEY
A
Pastor awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in
the
front yard of the parsonage. He had no idea how it got
there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. So, he
called the sanitation department, the health department,
and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to
help him. In desperation, the good reverend called the
Head of the Deacon Board and
asked what should be done. The Head of the Deacon Board must have been
having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a
clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead." The pastor
lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I
should at least notify the next-of-kin."
THE PRIEST AND THE DRUNK
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one
day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was
stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he
had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his
pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A
couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what
causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your
fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to
reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to
the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I
just read in the paper that the Pope does."
THE PASTOR AND LEPROSY
A Pastor had a dread of getting leprosy. He had
read that the early signs are loss of feeling in the
limbs, and was always pinching his legs, and if it
hurt, he was reassured.
On one occasion at a dinner he reached under the table
and pinched his leg. He couldn't feel a thing. He
pinched it again - harder this time. Still no
sensation.
The Bishop visibly blanched and blurted out, " Oh, no
! I've got it ! "
" You've got what ? "
" I've got leprosy ! "
" But how do you know ? "
" Well, one of the early signs is loss of feeling in
the leg. I've just pinched my leg twice and I didn't
feel a thing ! "
A Deacon sitting next to him remarked, " It was my leg
you were pinching, Bishop.
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly preacher for
Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing
the meal, the minister asked their son what they were
having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you
sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom,
'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for
dinner.'"
Three Preachers Driving
Three preachers were
driving down the road when they missed a turn and went
into the ditch. As they pulled themselves together, a
drunk pulled up and asked if they were all right.
"Oh, yes, Jesus is
with us," one replied.
The drunk thought
that over for a minute. "Well, you'd better let him
get in with me, you're going to kill him!"
Report from the Pastor
Search Committee:
We do not have a happy report to give. We have not
been able to find a
suitable candidate for this church, though we have one
promising prospect.
Thank you for your suggestions. We have followed up on
each one with
interviews or by calling at least three references. The
following is our
confidential report.
ADAM: Good man but has problems with his wife. One
reference told us how he
and his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods.
NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts.
Prone to unrealistic
building projects.
JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream
interpreting and
has a prison record.
MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator;
even stutters at times.
Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business
meetings. Some say he
left an earlier church over a murder charge.
DEBORAH: One word --- Female.
DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we
discovered the affair he
had with his neighbor's wife.
SOLOMON: Great preacher, but serious woman problem.
ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could
never handle his
wife's occupation.
JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He
said the fish later
spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and
unpolished. With some
seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a
hang-up against
wealthy people.
JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one.
May be too
Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to
worship when he gets
excited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the
outdoors, has a weird
diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to
have cursed. He's a
loose cannon.
PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher.
However, he's short on
tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has
been known to preach
all night.
TIMOTHY: Too young.
JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church
grew to 5000, He
managed to offend them all; and his church dwindled down
to twelve people.
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he
is single.
JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder.
Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting
him to preach this
Sunday in view of a call.
Poor Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor,
"When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest
preachers we've ever had."
The Pastor and the Church Parsonage
A
pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at
least 50 mice, 2000 ants and as many of those little
silverfish you can get." The clerk replies, "We can
probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I
ask why you are placing such an unusual order?" The
pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church
and the congregation council told me to leave the
parsonage the way I found it."
Pastor's Hot Air
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the
rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them
out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked
fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
A preacher went to visit an elderly woman from his
church who had just had an operation.As he was sitting
there talking with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on
the stand next to the bed.He began to eat them, and soon
it was time for him to leave.When he got up he noticed
he had eaten all of her peanuts."Sister Jones,"he said"
I'm sorry I ate all of your peanuts."She replied "That's
okay pastor,I already sucked all of the chocolate off of
them."
THE PREACHER AND HIS DEATH BED
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his
doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to
his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his
bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out
his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side
of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed
contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a
time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer
were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask
them to be with him during his final moments. Theywere
also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any
indication that he particularly liked either of them.
They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable
sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious
behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask
us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength,
then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves; and
that's how I want to go."
LIVING NEXT TO A CATHOLIC CHURCH
A man lay dying and he began to yell out, "I need a
priest, I need a priest!" Another man came along and
asked what was wrong. The dying man said, "I need a
priest to give me last rites, I'm dying" The man said,
"There are no priests around here, but maybe I can
help." "I'm not a religious person myself, but I have
lived next to the Catholic church my whole life and I
hear their ritual all the time. I think that I can say
it for you." The dying man says, "Thank You." The
helpful man leans close to the dying man and in a soft
voice repeats the ritual as he has heard it so many
times: "B-6, N-33, G-52, I-24, ..." (Bingo)
SERMON ILLUSTRATION GONE WRONG
A PREACHER ONCE
PREACHED ABOUT THE DANGER OF DRINKING
BEER AND HE SHOWED THE CONGREGATION A CLEAR GLASS WITH A
PIECE OF LIVER INSIDE AND POURED BEER INSIDE AND LET
THEM
WATCH WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO YOUR LIVER IF YOU DRANK.
THERE
WAS A LITTLE DRUNK IN THE VERY LAST BENCH THAT STOOD UP
AND SAID "OH MY, I'LL NEVER EAT LIVER AGAIN.
PASTOR'S IN GERMANY
What do they
call preachers in Germany?
German Shepherds
WATCH YOUR WORDS
An old time
circuit riding preacher found himself in need of money
and decided to sell his horse and buggy. As he completed
te deal he remarked to the blacksmith,"This is not an
ordinary horse". Since he has been owned and driven by a
man of the cloth all his life he does not respond to the
commands of whoa or giddy-up. When you want this horse
to stop you must say AMEN. When you want him to go you
must say PRAISE THE LORD! Later that day the Blacksmith
decided to take the horse for a ride to see how good he
was. While trotting down the road the horse was startled
by a snake and bolted. Wildly they headed across a field
full speed toward a cliff.In a panic the poor Blacksmith
was shouting WHOA>>>STOP when he remembered the
preachers instructions and let out a loud AMEN! The
horse stopped just at the edge of a thousand foot cliff,
stones tumbled out into space. Releaved the Blacksmith
wiped his brow and exclaimed "PRAISE THE LORD"
HOW TO RAISE MONEY IN CHURCH
The pastor stood before the congregation and said "I
have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad
news." The congregation got quiet.
"The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!" the
pastor said. The congregation groaned.
"The good news is: we have enough money for the new
roof." A sigh of relief was heard rippling through the
gathered group.
"The bad new is: it's still in your pockets"
DEATH IN THE SERVICE
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex
was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the
foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring
at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,
stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning
Alex."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused
on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex
asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in
the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large
plaque.
Little Alex's voice barely broke the silence when he
asked quietly, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30
service?"
THE BURGLAR AND THE PREACHER
Burglar: "One
move and you're dead. I'm looking for your money".
PREACHER: "Hang
on, let me get a light and I'll help you".
Atheist
An atheist complained to a
Christian friend, "You Christians have your special
holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. Jews celebrate
their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom
Kippur. But we atheists have no recognized national
holidays. It's unfair discrimination."
His friend replied, "Why don't you celebrate April
first?"
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