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TEN SIMPLE
RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking
anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance
at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her
neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your
age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be
falling off. Please don't take this as an insult, but you
and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want
to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose
this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I
will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do
not, in fact, come off during your date with my daughter, I
will use my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let
me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I
will kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely
back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this
subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as
long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date
no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make
her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and
fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should
not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a
process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything
softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no
parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where
there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops,
midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a
sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey
games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to
my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your
universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom,
you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper
coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent
Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently
tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you
should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak
the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you
have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return
to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face watching you from the window is mine.
A young businessman had just started his
own business. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it
brilliantly decorated. Sitting there, he saw a man come into
the outer office.
Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the
phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He
was shouting huge figures and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Sure. I'm here to install the phone!"
How are men like UFOs?
You don't know where they come from, what their mission
is, or what time they're going to take off.
-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience
the miracle of childbirth.
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night
Football starts?
-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will
be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the
time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything
planned for dinner?
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that
swallowed a wild boar.
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the
moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode
from I Love Lucy.
-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO
HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in
there.
HEBREWS
In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting
room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally,
the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm
the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time
is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves." The family members sat silent as they
absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone
asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor
quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to
smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some
actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity,
blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask: "Why is the
male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the
childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's
just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because... they've actually been
used!"
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee.
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around
here so you should do it."
The wife replied, "No you should do it, and besides it is in
the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
The husband replied, "Yeah, right!" So she showed him in the
Bible where it says: "HEBREWS"
COUNTING RIBS
Adam and Eve were enjoying another day in paradise, just
lying peacefully by a stream, when Eve asked Adam wht he was
thinking. "Oh, nothing, really" was his reply.
Suddenly, Eve jumped up and grabbed Adam. She began
frantically poking him in the chest. "Woman," Adam shouted,
"just what do you think you're doing?" Eve stared him dead
in the eyes and shouted back, "Be quiet! I'm counting your
ribs!"
LITTLE BRAIN
Adam and God were walking in the garden one day and Adam
said to God, 'God, why did you make Eve so beautiful?' God
answered, 'So you'd like her, Adam.' They walked on.... And
Adam said, 'God, why did you give her such lovely lips?' And
God said, 'So you'd like her, Adam. They walked on.... And
Adam said, 'God why did you give her such a beautiful
figure?' and God said, 'So you'd like her Adam.' And they
walked on... Then Adam said, 'God, why did you give her such
a little brain? And God said, 'So she'd like you, Adam!'
Judgment Day
Judgment Day arrives. God reviews the billions of people
assembled, and says, "Welcome to Heaven. Women, go with
Saint Peter. Men, form two lines. One line shall be men who
dominated their women on Earth. The other line shall be men
who were dominated by their women." After much movement and
shuffling, all the women are gone, and there remain two
lines of men. The line of men that were dominated by their
women is hundreds, perhaps thousands of miles long. The line
of men that dominated women has but one man standing. God
reviews the two lines, points to the long line, and in a
voice that echoes angrily throughout Heaven says, "You men
should be ashamed. I created you in MY image, and you all
were dominated by your mates. Behold! Only one of my sons
stood up and made me proud. You shall learn from him!" God
turns to the one man standing, smiles, and says, "Tell them,
my son, how did you manage to be the only one in that line?"
And the man says, "I don't know, Lord. My wife told me to
stand here."
TALKING
One man to another: "I found out how to get my wife to
listen to me when I talk." "How?" asked the man. "Talk in my
sleep!" Billy......
DIRECTIONS
Know why the Israelites wandered for 40 years? They had a
man leading...a woman would have stopped and asked
directions. (smile)
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