COSMETIC

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years." God replies, "I didn't recognize you"

ACTS

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"

Locked Car Door

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Which is worse, a man who will not tell the truth or a woman who will not let him get away with telling a lie?

A man was pulled over by a policeman and asked if he knew he was going too fast. He said, " I'm sorry officer. I had my cruise control on and just forgot the speed limit changed." His wife said, "Harry, I told you two miles ago that you were speeding." Harry gives his wife a dirty look as the officer pulls out his ticket book.

"By the way, sir, did you know that your left rear signal lense was broken?" the policeman asks, to which Harry replies, "Oh wow, it must have just happened in the mall parking lot we just left." His wife again interrupts and says, "Harry, how can you sit there and lie to that nice policeman? I told you to fix that three weeks ago!" Harry gives another look that could kill as the officer starts writing.

The policeman adds,"I am going to have to cite you for not wearing your seatbelt, also." Harry says,"I just unbuckled as you came up to the car so I could get to my driver's license if you needed it." The little lady pipes up, "Harry, you know good and well, I tell you all the time that you better buckle up, 'cause YOU NEVER WEAR YOUR SEATBELT!"

Having taken all he can stand Harry turns to his tormentor and says with great exasperation, "Woman would keep your big mouth shut!"

Now the officer looks at and addresses the little lady and asks,"does he verbally abuse you like this often, ma'am?"

Says she, "Oh no, only when he has had one drink too many."

RESTING:

Understanding Women

A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. Please give a confirmation that you will grant my wish." Suddenly the sky darkened and the Lord, in a booming voice said, "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. I think that I can trust that you will not disappoint me. Because you have been faithful to me, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deathly afraid of flying and I get very sea sick in boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive there whenever I want?"  The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics!  How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of the concrete and steel! Your request is very materialistic and disappointing. I could do it but it's hard for me to justify. Take a little more time and make another wish, one you think would honor and glorify Me." After much thought, the man said, "I"ve been married 4 times. My wives always said that I was insensitive to their needs. So I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel and what they're thinking. I want to know why they cry and how to make them truly happy. That's my wish, Lord."Then, after a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

How is it that King Solomon was considered a wise man when he has 1000 mother-in-laws!

ROUGH DRAFT